A very unscientific examination of the relationship between Taco Bell, criminal mice-chief, and mental retardation
A Traverse City, MI imbecile, who demonstrated near complete criminal incompetence in attempting to extort Taco Bell after “finding” a mouse in his burrito, recently received a deserved 16 to 30 month prison sentence. The 20-year-old Ryan Goff, whose mental development apparently lags significantly behind his normal physical progress, failed to match even the creativity of the highly publicized Wendy’s chili severed-finger-fiasco – which, in itself, at least a conceivable hoax, was still foiled by minimal investigation combined with old fashioned common sense.
"When it comes to life I have been so blinded," Goff stated at his trial, something he must have assumed was also true for Taco Bell staff. Taco Bell, however, in a rare fit of sensibility for a multi-billion dollar company operating in hyper-litigious times, makes it standard practice to hire seeing employees.
In Ryan’s defense, he claims a drug problem, and the exorbitant pricing for Paul Wall fashioned grills, drove him put his inevitably doomed plot into action. But the only substance of abuse that could have kept him "high” enough to never, for days on end, reconsider his ill-conceived actions, never permitting that single moment of relative clarity necessary to abandon his “get rich quick,” scheme – not while he issued a complaint to the Department of Health and called a Taco Bell regional manager to demand, in absolutely silly terms, compensation “that would make my ears tingle," – is DNA, which, if subjected to (metaphorical) biological bashing, induces the condition called full-on, funny finger-motioning, eye-rolling retardation.
The judge, politically correct as always, leniently deemed Ryan “not too bright. "I didn't like to follow the book," Ryan stated in typically obvious fashion – which is especially funny because, as was later discovered, the criminal guidebook Ryan “didn’t like to follow” was actually a collection of first grader’s artwork, that, in his inability to read the title “Mrs. Smith’s First Grade Art Collection,” he’d misinterpreted as foolproof diagrams for schemes.
But Ryan isn’t a total failure as a criminal. He actually had a second plan – which he generated with his Hot Wheels collection, generic burrito ingredients, and a paper mache hut he’d constructed with pride (and the help of his special tutor). Plan R – labeled with another of the only 4 letters Ryan knew intimately and felt confident using – involved driving a car through Taco Bell’s wall, quickly smearing the contents of his food on its hood, then accusing the behind-the-counter taco-and-burrito manufacturing-engineer of stuffing the car, an obvious chocking hazard, inside Ryan’s tortilla.
"When it comes to life I have been so blinded," Goff stated at his trial, something he must have assumed was also true for Taco Bell staff. Taco Bell, however, in a rare fit of sensibility for a multi-billion dollar company operating in hyper-litigious times, makes it standard practice to hire seeing employees.
In Ryan’s defense, he claims a drug problem, and the exorbitant pricing for Paul Wall fashioned grills, drove him put his inevitably doomed plot into action. But the only substance of abuse that could have kept him "high” enough to never, for days on end, reconsider his ill-conceived actions, never permitting that single moment of relative clarity necessary to abandon his “get rich quick,” scheme – not while he issued a complaint to the Department of Health and called a Taco Bell regional manager to demand, in absolutely silly terms, compensation “that would make my ears tingle," – is DNA, which, if subjected to (metaphorical) biological bashing, induces the condition called full-on, funny finger-motioning, eye-rolling retardation.
The judge, politically correct as always, leniently deemed Ryan “not too bright. "I didn't like to follow the book," Ryan stated in typically obvious fashion – which is especially funny because, as was later discovered, the criminal guidebook Ryan “didn’t like to follow” was actually a collection of first grader’s artwork, that, in his inability to read the title “Mrs. Smith’s First Grade Art Collection,” he’d misinterpreted as foolproof diagrams for schemes.
But Ryan isn’t a total failure as a criminal. He actually had a second plan – which he generated with his Hot Wheels collection, generic burrito ingredients, and a paper mache hut he’d constructed with pride (and the help of his special tutor). Plan R – labeled with another of the only 4 letters Ryan knew intimately and felt confident using – involved driving a car through Taco Bell’s wall, quickly smearing the contents of his food on its hood, then accusing the behind-the-counter taco-and-burrito manufacturing-engineer of stuffing the car, an obvious chocking hazard, inside Ryan’s tortilla.
posted by Mr. Pibba at 12:04 AM
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